And how must I deal with the pain, Jesus?

13 September 2016 (Something happened and it felt like everything was over…)

‘My God, this is so painful… Help me Jesus… my heart is aching… Have mercy on me.’

” The quality of your heart and character can only be influenced by choices you make, things you allow etc. You have full control of the quality of who you are. To the measure you surrender to Me, to that measure I will be formed in you.

The quality of your love is only influenced by your response to My love and the love of people around you. Only you determine the quality of your love…

What is the most selfless form of love imaginable to you, even in romantic relationships? ”

‘ I don’t know how to answer this, Lord… obviously loving despite of, caring despite of, staying committed despite of…’

“The most selfless form of love is letting go… I can easily manipulate, force or threaten my children to love me. Or, because I am God, I can simply show up and manifest myself to them and they won’t have any other choice but to love and worship Me, because I am God…

But because I love them so much, I let them go… and if they seek Me, they will find Me. And if they call on Me, I will answer them.

I still look out for them in ways they do not even know or see… but they are free to come or not come to Me. And that is the most selfless thing you can do if you love…”

‘Why is this selfless, Lord?’

“Because even though your heart is burning with love and passion for them, and you desire an intimate relationship with them… to talk with them etc etc… NONE OF YOUR DESIRES MATTER”

‘What does let it go mean, God?’

” It means you make it accessible and free in your heart for that person to come to you. You release that person even beyond expressing your love to them…
But everything you are and create and say declares your love for them. Not in a way of putting pressure and also not manipulation. But with an open heart to give and receive…”

‘And if he never loves me back?’

“Then you have loved like a King. And the surrender and dying to self, that it takes to do this has caused you to become love… as I am love…You will be like Me, You will reflect Me, You will become love…”

‘So how must I deal with the pain, Jesus?’

“The same way I did… cry at the Father’s feet and find comfort in His arms…”

‘So, it’s over?’

“No, the power of love has only begun.”


I love the value of your pain

I wrote this a couple of months after I met him… not sure of the date, but clearly sure of my love…

I love you deeply, clearly and truly. I love you completely and unconditionally.

I love you with a love that goes beyond my reasoning, logic and understanding.

This love is persistent and fierce. This love is determined and with purpose.

This love for you is eternal, defined and filled with faith.

I will not let go. I will not give up. I will not waiver or fear or doubt.

My love for you is grinded into my heart, cemented into my mind and united with my soul.

I love you from the essence of who I am.
I love you from the place where I define myself, know myself and understand myself.

Me without you seems strange and far away.

I am honest when I say, I believe we have a deep supernatural connection. This one thing I know, God’s hand is in this and only He will be able to change the way I feel about you. If God changes my heart it’s okay but for now this is not the case.

So for now, my precious heart-connected-love, know this:
I am so aware of the heart wrenching facts but I also know that my love for you has overcome it all!
I also know my God and His promises.
I also know all the tears I’ve cried in secret…
It is done.
It is complete.
The price is paid.
You are loved.

Yes, I am not perfect but I will love you to the best of my ability and to the greatest possible level that I can imagine or reach.

I will, and do love you, regardless of your silence, your distance, your mood, your circumstances or your position.

So if I love you from afar, I might as well love you up close. God’s promises are clear, and to that I say yes and amen!

So why do I love you? Well the simple and true answer is that God has awakened a love in me for you that I have never felt before for anyone.
How? I don’t know.
Why? Because this I believe, is the will of the Father. He wants me to love you and for me it is that simple. And God could not have given me an easier task…

To love you… wow… what a privilege.

I love the way you love people.
Your love is selfless, you will always be last, take the least and wish the best for others.

I love how you care with intensity and seld-denial. You care too much, too intense.

I love how you live with passion, but realistically.
I love how things would get you down but you bounce back up.

I love your humour and your way of thinking.
I love how you get angry but apologize quickly.

I love the way you love me.

I love your strength and bravery but yet you are so aware of your shortcomings and frailty.

I love your love for Father, the beauty of your heart that radiates Him.

I love that you passionately share God with others.

I love your face, I love your eyes- the intensity, the passion, the focus, the playfulness.

I love and miss the way you looked at me, the way you touched my face and kissed my hand, the way you were so close to me with intimate respect.

I love that one of the first things you said to me was that your mom will love me.

I love that you are who you are.

I love the quality of your life, the value of your pain and the greatness and stature of your spirit.

I love the fact that I can honestly say that you love me… how that is possible, I don’t know… How God is spoiling me and totally showing off how awesome He is by having someone like you love me… I don’t know.

But these three things I know:
God loves that I love you and loves that you love me.
I love that you love me and that you love God.
You love that I love you and that I love God… I believe…

So my love, this is possible. We can be together and I believe we will be together soon . Please see this.
My love for you grows stronger every day.

Thank you that I can love you.

This is such a privilege for me to love you. Really… it is…REALLY.


A humanity of Kings and Queens

21st of March 2016
God, I don’t know what to say, just so that I don’t say the same things over and over again. I don’t know what to ask, just so that I don’t keep asking the same things.
I don’t know how to not feel what I am feeling.
I don’t know how to not have this man in my heart and think of him so often.
I don’t know how to think of another angle to pray for breakthrough.
I don’t know how to not pray it again and again and again.
I don’t know how to keep on handling his painful silence, and to not let it affect me.
I don’t even know if I am honouring You in how I handle things, or if I am being plain stupid in trying to keep this alive…

I trust You, God…
And even though there’s things I don’t know, there is so much more that I do know.

My Jesus
King of Kings
My Hope
My Song
My Friend
Mighty in battle
The Great I am
Holy and Anointed One
Friend of sinners and the broken
Lion of Judah
Saviour of my life, my heart, my journey
King of glory
Prince of peace
My King, My Lover of my soul.
All powerful
Sacrificed Lamb


You are the God that SEES ALL, KNOWS ALL and CONTROLS ALL


You can’t be caught by surprise, shocked or outsmarted.
Angels, demons and Satan himself, are under Your command.

You are the God that is moved by humanity, You hear the cries of our hearts, even the cries of those that are not directly crying out to You.

Your heart is for us, and also for all those who hate You.
Your love goes beyond culture, race and religion.

You love humans…

You are the God that is deeply moved by those You created.
You are the God that sees our most sincere efforts, care about our greatest attempts to build a good life. You are familiar with all our ways.

You can handle our tantrums
embrace our weaknesses
support us in failures
love us in hopelessness
guide us in blindness
forgive us in hating
comfort us in trauma and torment
enfold us in isolation
raise us up in death
heal us in infirmities
protect us in lack of wisdom
cover our multitudes of sins
answer our millions of prayers

You are the God of the human race
In all it’s brokenness

This is the humanity You embrace
died for
give life to

If only we knew Your heart
If only we knew Your heart
We will be a humanity of Kings and Queens
Living life in the beauty of God

He embraces us as we are, but desires for us so much more…

Tired heart

15 June 2016…
I have had many, many very dark and difficult days… may this encourage you…

Tired heart, wearied tears…
Cry some more, it’s okay.
Your Maker knows the value of your pain.
Your priceless tears He collects and vaults.
Don’t keep Him from more treasures by holding back your tears at all cost.

Tired heart, battle scarred…
You’re broken, it’s okay.
God draws close to you.
With your crushed soul, He will remain.
Whether aware of Him, or not at all, He holds you anyway.

Tired heart, hopeless cries…
You’re desperate, it’s okay.
Even your thoughts are prayers to Him.
He hears them, the anxiety, the frustration, the pain.
You need Him, see His Father heart.

Tired heart, weakened hope…
You feel powerless, it’s okay.
This is where you are the strongest, because all His power still remains.
You have access to Him, always.

It’s really okay, if you can’t anymore, dear tired heart…
Because He can.
Wait upon Him.
Be with Him.

He is your all powerful Dad…


Flying away from my heart…

I will not forget that incredible painful flight back to my home country, after you came into my life…
Every 1000 km, the distance tore another piece of my heart…

Uncontrollable tears…

Unbelievable heartache…

Surreal emotions…

I had that feeling again today… I was so close to you, but yet so far…

And then I had to fly further away again…

And I realized why it was so painful… because I was flying further away from my heart…

My home…

My you…


I pray that the secret place where only you and God can be, will be your favourite place

I wrote down this prayer for him… if you are reading this, don’t you want to echo these words and join me in praying this over him?

I pray that the Hope to see the King of glory in your day, will cause you to wake up with an expectation every morning.

I pray that the love of the Father will captivate you, so that you will catch His heart for every person that crosses your path.

I pray that the power of the cross will be your ONLY SOURCE for all things and that the voice of God will be the purposeful reason for every step you take.

I pray that the secret place where only you and God can be, will be your favourite place and that the intimate knowing of God will reflect in every relationship you have on earth.

I pray that the beauty of a Serving King will be what you reflect as you serve in the authority of the King of Kings.

I pray that the demonstration of the power of the Holy Spirit will be the result of every word you speak and that you will find yourself in the Throne Room and establish yourself next to the King.

I pray that His heart will be your heart and that His mind will be your mind.

I pray that you will know the power of grace, and graciously give it to all around you and also the power of love, that it will be your driving force.

I pray that you will live your established identity in Him, so that you can be a display of His splendor.

I pray that the PASSION for HUMANITY of the most High God, will be what you carry.

May you remain gentle and soft, not allowing your heart to be hardened.

I pray God’s fullness, His grace, His Shekinah Glory over you- His manifest presence with you. May you find yourself in the Throne Room, may you see yourself through His eyes, as you grow even more sensitive to the voice of the Most High God.