I want to tell you our story… Maybe it was a brief moment in both of our lives where God captivated us with what is possible when we love. Where Father was showing us the beauty of loving someone with a love so deep, so real and so godly. Maybe it was just the first chapter of an incredible story that is still in progress and that God is still working on in this season of our separation. Maybe God is busy doing something so deep, so special and so precious in each one of us that is preparing us for what God has for us together, as we build His Kingdom as one.
But, tonight as I write this. I have no idea how this story is going to unfold. I only have the gold that has past already. In fact you broke communication with me and I have nothing to go on. No assurance that anything is going to come from this. But I still want to share the memories that have changed my life forever. This is what I want you to hear.
It is nearly a month since I last saw you. And yet my love for you is as constant and steadfast as ever. There has not been a day, literally, that I have not cried. I cry from a place of deep compassion for you. I cry from a place of deeply experiencing God’s heart for you. I cry from a place of desperation for you to find the heart of the Father for you as a man and that you would know His heart like never before. It is a cry of intercession, it is a cry on your behalf and also experiencing the turmoil you are going through and remembering the turmoil that you went through while I was with you.
But, it never has been a cry from a place of sadness. Because I have experienced the Father’s heart so clearly for you and know that there is nothing sad as we have victory in Christ and we have overcome all the giants and obstacles, our past destruction is under the blood of Jesus and we have only hopeful futures ahead of us, whether it is together or separate. There is beautiful hope in the plan that God has for us. For you as you, and for me as me.
So hear it is. I want you to know this. All I want you to see in this is what an incredible Father we serve and what an amazing man God has made you to be. This is the purpose of this letter… See the Father, my love. See His precious heart for you and how he has such a passion for your life. See the Father.
Your love for the Father. WOW… So many times you would tell me that only the Father can do this or we are children of Father. Your words were always so comforting and encouraging. I will never forget the night that I got some bad news. I remember it so clearly. You came and asked me what is going on and then with the most real compassion in your eyes you just placed your hand on me, bowed your head and prayed. I really felt that you were feeling my pain. Then you suddenly lifted your head and your eyes were shining… It was such a precious moment as I saw the love of the Father pouring out through your eyes toward me. And you said:” Father says, everything will be okay.” I immediately felt a release in my heart and peace that went far beyond what I was feeling only moments before. Thank you for that, it was so precious. I felt so safe and protected by you.
Then when I was sick… Wow, what compassion. The depth of your caring was so overwhelming. How you would come and just sit there with me and care for me. I will never forget the depth of that moment. You have deep compassion for people and that is a gift from the Father.
Your passion for life! The energy with which you live! I stand amazed at how you are embracing life to the full! I love your sense of humour and how we laughed together so often! These are my favourite memories! Your laughter!!!!
When you told me that you love me, it felt like I was dreaming. I could not believe that a wonderful man like you would love me. I felt humbled, privileged and totally overwhelmed by the intensity with what I experienced your love. I just knew that you were being genuine. It was such a moment. I want you to hear me. I still feel so privileged that someone like you would love me. I am honoured that you love me. It is so easy for me to love you. God has given me such a deep love for you.
Yes, I sincerely acknowledge your heart wrenching, heartbreaking, dangerous and extremely big and difficult problems but I acknowledge God far above that. I need you to understand this. I know you said to me that everything is not spiritual and I really understand that. If you get to know me more you would know that I am a very realistic person. I know that loving you is having and will still have tremendous consequences but that is fine with me as long as I know we are both doing what God is saying. Then I can face the extreme circumstances and problems. Because I believe God’s Word that says Love conquers all things. I believe God’s Word that says that one look from the eyes of my beloved gives me courage.
I have cried through all the consequences that I have to face if I want you in my life and I know that if our roles were turned around, I would have said the same things, I would also not want someone that I love to come into such circumstances. This is so honourable of you. So precious and unselfish. But then I ask myself, if our roles were turned around, and I was the one with all your problems, how would I have wanted you to react and what would I have wanted you to choose?
My heart breaks for you, the turmoil that you must be going through, the anguish, and the giants that you are facing. There is no way that if God loves you unconditionally, that I will go against His character that He is building in me and go against who God is, by putting conditions to my love for you. So I want to emphasize what I have already said to you, I will love you unconditionally, as I see my Father loving you in the same way.
But all this said, there is no way that I will feel safe in the relationship if you are not settled in your heart that this is what God is saying and if you always would doubt your decision… So please my love, be free. Find your peace in the heart of God and if that means that we will be separated for life, then by the grace and love of our Father, I will be okay. I will definitely still love you for the rest of my life, as my love for you is also not dependent on what you choose in the end. My love for you is only dependent on what God has placed in my heart. But because of the grace and heart of the Father I will be able to move on with my life.
I just cannot go into a relationship with you, if your heart is not sure, steadfast and secure in what Father is saying to you. The risk is just too big.But if you experience a release from Father and you experience that this is what God is leading you to do,I am here. I love you. I pray for you.
You are blessed, you are quality, you are a man of stature and authority, of influence and respect, of dignity and love…
Yes, you are stubborn and you can get very angry very quickly… yes you are not perfect. I am not blind because of my love for you. So please don’t take this letter as if I am speaking from a place of being blinded by my love for you. On the contrary… My eyes are very open, and I refuse this relationship if it is not the will of Father and if you and I don’t have complete release and peace with the blessing of our spiritual leaders.
So, this is my heart…
You have changed my life forever and I have such precious memories that I will guard and keep in my heart all the days of my life.
I will love you forever. That is just how it will be as God has placed this love in me. If it is only so that I can pray for you for the rest of my life, then I will gladly do it. Because you are worth it. I will go through all of these days of intense crying and seeking God’s face again, and all the pain and heartache that I have experienced this last month, if it means your life is impacted and God uses me to cover you in prayer. That is good enough for me.
You are in my heart and in my prayers. Thank you for showing me this kind of love that I have never experienced. This beautiful love of a man, really caring for and respecting me. I will treasure this love forever in my heart. Thank you for a month that felt like an eternity with you. I will never forget it.
(Some detail and names removed… for obvious reasons)