I do not love you more…

I wrote this 22 July 2016

My dearest love,

Today you are on my heart, like you are on my heart everyday… Today I think about you like I think about you every day. And today I want to write a letter to you, not from my logic, circumstances or facts… I want to write a letter to you from my heart and from a place of my lack of understanding in how all of this works…

This morning my one friend told me that last night he had a dream that I was talking to you over the phone in your language. Apparently I started off in English and asked you how you were doing and then I switched over to your language and he could not understand anymore what I was saying. He said that it looked like it was very nice for me to speak to you… And wow… I just imagined how it would be to phone you and speak to you in a language that we both can understand.

So, I don’t know if it was this that stirred my desire to communicate with you again, but all I know is, that I miss you and desire communication with you, more than you can imagine.

The only thing that is constant, real, deep and forever, is my love for you. I can try and get angry, try and feel despondent, try and push you away and remove you from my heart, but I can’t.

I love you really, I love you completely, I love you. And in this season when it is actually possible to see you again, I really don’t know what to make of it. I don’t know how it will be to see you again, if you even want to see me again. I would love to see you. 

I would love to see you every day for the rest of my life, or even for a moment, a second, a day- that will also be enough.

 I just want to see your eyes again. I just want to see what is in your heart. I just want you to see what is in my heart for you and how much I love you. How deep and constant and real and forever my love is for you.

I am looking forward to eternity because I will have eternity to show you how much I love you. I am looking forward to every morning when I wake up because I know that it is one day closer to the day that I will see you again, even if I might never see you on earth, I know it is one day closer to eternity when I will see you again.

But, my love, I really hope and believe that I will see you again. That I will hold you again, that I will feel your hand in mine again, that you will hold me again in a long embrace, that you will kiss my cheek… I miss you… 

I miss to see your quality…

I want to be by your side and fight and work and be in the Kingdom of God. I want to stand with you through every trial, every victory, every beautiful moment and every day for as long as we both shall live.  And then, I want to still see you for eternity in heaven with our DAD and best friend, Jesus.

My love, you are constantly before me. I would see someone that sort of look like you and I would imagine what it would be like to see you again.

You have changed my whole life, my whole being, my whole outlook on life and I love you for it.

I am overwhelmed this very moment, with the passionate love that I feel for you. It burns, it’s alive, it is real, it is in me, it is around me , it is beyond me. I have a constant companion, and this companion is love for you.

I love you with my pain, my joy, my disbelief, my hopes, my heart and my being.

I love you

Man of God, find God’s heart, more than anything else, desire intimacy with Him, more than anything else.  Be obedient to His voice more than to any other voice and know that I believe that God’s perfect will will be done. No doubt about it.

Father’s faithfulness is everlasting and he knows what he desires for both you and me and what our destinies are. I love you constantly and forever.

May God’s will be done, not mine, and not yours. Eventhough this is how I feel, I don’t want any of this if it is not God’s will…

So, I don’t love you more than obedience to Christ

I don’t love you more than doing the will of God

I don’t love you more than my love for God and my intimacy with Him

I don’t want you more than what I want to know God, experience God and discover who He is.

I don’t desire you more than I desire my First love, my Jesus, my Father, my Holy Spirit.

There’s not place for you in my heart and life in the same way that there is place for my God in my life.

But you are my second love, you are my next desire and you are my deepest human love…

And you have the next most significant place in my heart.  I love you.

You are my impossible that I believe will become possible

You are my dream that I believe will become reality

You are my highest hope, my craziest aim and my deepest desire, apart from my awesome God.

I love you and I will continue loving you and continue praying for you and continue longing for you and continue believing that God will make a way for us, if it is his will.

Did I say I love you?

I love you.

Always yours



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