So many 24 hours have passed, and in many of those I have forgotten to celebrate that you are not with me.
Many moments I have experienced your absence as torment, aching as I miss you. Emotions so real, raw and intense that I did not know if I would survive them.
Many days and some successions of days, I have forgotten to celebrate you not being with me… Some stretches turned into seasons. Seasons that exhausted my heart, nearly extinguished my faith and came close to ruining my hope…
But if I have any Concept of God, His heart, His promises, His plans… Then how can I not celebrate that you are not next to me now?
If I believe in the seasons and timing of the Almighty… The truth of Him working all things together for those who love Him… If I believe that I can trust Him with my life, and that He has my heart…
If I know that I walk under His guidance and council…
Then all that I could possibly say is, I celebrate that you are not with me now…
Although my heart is crying, I can still celebrate because He is my God…
I love you, my beautiful man… I celebrate your absence in the natural and believe in the exquisite destiny God has for you and me.
When I get quiet enough to see my heart, it’s still smiling.
When the thousand fleeting thoughts can stop for a moment, it is still you I am thinking of.
When I honestly face myself, I must still say… It is you that I love.
Once a heart has tasted authentic love, the heart only knows eternity…
So, even though years have gone by and days have grown longer, and memories started to slightly fade…
My heart is still caught up in that moment, when I gave in to loving you…
that moment I allowed eternity to become my existing space…
The moment I allowed love to take me home…
Already living eternity… Loving you.
I know I am not much. I am dust, a breath, a moment. In the grand scheme of things, I am really minuscule.
But I want you to know that this dust is deeply devoted to you and this breath lavishly adores you. I want you to know that in this moment called ‘my life’, you are exclusively loved.
I really am nothing and in the grand scheme of things, I really am insignificant…
Maybe the actual beauty of life and purpose of being alive is to see how dust can fiercely love, and a breath can deeply connect and a moment can pierce into eternity to unlock heaven and start to live it here on earth.
I don’t know. I can’t see the bigger picture. All I know is, here I am, just simply me, loving you.
Above all adoration I could possibly utter
Above all adulation I could put into words
Above the greatest admiration my soul can birth
Above the highest renditions of awe my being can express…
That is where your appraisal is set
Yet, you love the weakest hallelujah
You love the faintest declaration
You love a sigh directed towards You to hear
You love a human, ‘I love you, Lord’
You love a frail dependency on You
Even if every human, ever created will shout with conviction and declare your greatness…
It will still be a fleeting mist, a whisper, a hint and a hum compared to the actual sound of glory due to Your great name.
Yet, You love the voice of one…
Your heart overflows as a single human gives any form of expression towards You.
Oh, how deeply You love us. Father.
If we but knew…
Father, I want to know…
I went through a couple of weeks seeking new depth and new revelation from God. And even though I thought of my blog nearly every day, I realized that I do not want to just post for the sake of posting something… God is working a new depth in me and new revelation about love. I am excited about this!
So here is a letter I wrote today to him, the only one my heart loves:
I love you with the brightness of 10 000 stars.
No, I love you with the brightness of all the stars the universe possesses, and all it will still create.
I love you with a field of an extensive variety of flowers.
No, I love you with the beauty of every single flower that has ever seen the face of the sun, throughout all generations and even for all existence still to come.
I pray for you. I pray that the brilliance of God will be your light, even in your darkest night.
I pray that the unfathomable love of God will become fathomable to you to the greatest extent possible for a human being.
I hope for you. I hope that the extravagant excellence of the dream God has for your life will be your daily experience and that in the hell of your suffering, you will display the grace, the purity, the power and the victory of Christ in you.
I hope for you. I hope that the miraculous glory of God will saturate, heal and disintegrate every form of doubt, fear, uncertainty or hopelessness in your heart.
May you explode with the overwhelming beauty and presence of God within you.
I am a child
I trust you
I love you
I cry with you
I laugh with you
I care about you
I express my true self
I grow up
I don’t easily trust you, I’ve been disappointed
I don’t deeply love, my heart is hardened
I cry alone, you don’t see my tears
I seldom laugh, maybe fake joy infront of you
I don’t care about you, it is too painful
I will never risk exposing my true self, no one reslly knows me
I am restored
I trust you, with my whole heart
I love you, as deep as the ocean
I cry with you, as long as you need me to
I laugh with you, until we can’t anymore
I care about you, anything you need, any way I can help
I express my true self, you love me just the way I am.
This is our human instinct, before our human pain…
This is our potential…
2nd of April 2016
This poem came into my heart from God to me
And so pure in heart
Wars in the spirit
Wars here on earth
And most all and most destructive
Wars in her heart
She stands, does not know how to fall
She believes, does not know how to give up
She perseveres, does not know how to stop
Her heart is bleeding
Her love is real
Her soul is crying
Her faith perseveres
A warrior at heart
A warrior in the spirit
Yet, after all this, also just My daughter
Also just My girl
Also just a human, frail and hurt
The force of love within her, measures the force of love on the cross.
The perseverance and commitment, echoes My words on the cross, “It is done.”
So stand back you strongholds,
Run fast, evil and darkness
The light within her, is as bright as the light within Me.
The faith within her, the same as the woman bleeding.
She has touched My garment
I have heard her cry.
“If only”, will become a manifestation of My power because she has touched Me.
Roaring Lion of Judah is heard within her when she prays
My power is released
I have heard
I am coming
See oh world, now this is faith.